dimity_blue | How to write fanfic like an unorthodox psychologist

This was posted on a community I'm in, and the author kindly said that I could share it with whom I liked. While I (and other people who commented) think that this is not the *only* way to write fanfic (a point the author agrees with in her replies to comments), I think that this bears sharing, if only for the sheer hilarity of the imagery.

So, here it is:

How to write fanfic like an unorthodox psychologist
by

evilcourtney

Writing decent fiction is somewhat like handling a psychiatric patient.

First you need to figure out exactly what you'll be restraining. In most cases the subject is a) human, or b) a plot. You need to figure out the skeleton, size and shape of your madcap plot before you launch in and start attempting to lasso and/or write it out in its entirety. If you haven't figured out exactly how big it'll be, the direction it is running in, or how powerful it is when compared to your abilities...you'll probably wake up a week or two after your first attempt, with a big headache and only vague recollections of what exactly went down in that dark closet.

So sit down and think hard of your subject. Is your patient violent? Is your plot obese? Is your subject adept in the mind-fucking department? Can your patient overpower you? Who or what exactly is your patient, and do you really need to fill your asylum with more crazy plots that lead nowhere?

Write down your patient's particular needs. Maybe your plot is more inclined to spill its terrible inner secrets onto the page when relaxed by Something Corporate on repeat? Perhaps you work better one-on-one with your patient under the influence of chocolate biscuits. Will your fellow doctors and readers alike be impressed by your torturous methods of dredging up flashbacks, or your seamless execution of healing through the therapeutic recall of terrible memories? Is continuity of time a staple of keeping your patient under control?

Once you've decided that capturing and incapacitating your patient is the best course of action, and that you are physically and mentally able to cope with its demands, you may set upon it. Recommended methods of incapacitation include tazers and Microsoft Word. Don't let the paperclip get involved. Vigilante is not the way to go. Let only seasoned professionals, such as yourself and your beta-reader be involved in the ambush.

Once you have your plot pinned to the ground, handcuff it with a terrifically hard hitting and blood-drawing blow to the head, in the form of an excellent attention-drawing first sentence.
Once you have incapacitated the plot, drag it into its Word cell and start figuring out its characteristics and life story. Slap it with the spell check every now and then to keep it coherent. As its behaviour develops, and it begins to adjust to inmate life you may pad out its straightjacket as a reward, to make your plot feel a little more comfortable whilst trapped in its white walled, grey framed Word confines. This padding comes in the form of comforting hot chocolate adjectives, philosophical and enlightening epigrams, and the calming daily rituals of correct spelling and punctuation. If you're lucky, your patient's dialogue will become coherent, and un-slurred.

Feel free to apply therapy as you feel fit in regards to the order you feel like writing events in. Hopefully, if you are a skilled enough fictional-psychologist it will all come together in the end, leaving you with a well adjusted piece of fiction ready to release to the world at large. It is advised that you submit your patient to a rigorous looking over by one of your peers, just for a reliable second opinion.

~~~

I've got to say, there are times ::looks at Moonridge stories (which are progressing nicely, btw):: when I know exactly how this feels.