Fic: SGA/POTC crossover

[dimity_blue]

Yep, you read it right: Stargate Atlantis meets Pirates of the Caribbean.

I take no responsibility whatsoever for the idea of a crossover. debris_k requested it in the fanfic meme I posted a few days back. Evil, evil woman.

Title: An Interesting Day in Tortuga
Author: Arnie
Genre: Gen, crossover, humour, AU. Crackfic?
Length: 2,349 words.
Characters: (SGA) John, Rodney, Teyla, Ronon; (POTC) Jack, Norrington, Gibbs.
Warnings: Insanity ahoy! Also, spoilers for POTC.
Summary: The team from Atlantis end up in Tortuga.



An Interesting Day in Tortuga
by Arnie

"Leader...leader." The stocky man who'd introduced himself as Gibbs gazed at them thoughtfully, one hand rubbing his stubbly chin. "Well, now, that'd be Jack." There was a pause as they gazed at him, then he added, "But he's not here right now."

John smiled, making sure to keep on projecting his usual, laid-back, nothing-to-see demeanour. "Do you know when he'll get back?"

Gibbs paused again, then said, "Soon. Jack's never very far away, see, not from the Pearl."

The Pearl was, John assumed, the large ship in front of them. It looked like a pirate ship, though he was pretty sure it couldn't be, and Rodney had spent a considerable amount of the time they'd spent walking from their cloaked puddlejumper explaining exactly how and why the ship they'd seen couldn't be a pirate ship.

Of course, then he'd had to explain to Ronon and Teyla what a pirate ship was. That had been fun.

Beside John, Rodney sighed. "Soon, as in today? Or do you mean tomorrow? Or maybe -"

"Rodney," John drawled, keeping his smile with an effort.

"I'm just asking. Some people have a different concept of time than us and those energy readings -"

"I am sure Mr. Gibbs will be happy to tell us what 'soon' means to him," Teyla interjected smoothly.

They all turned to Gibbs, who had a 'deer in the headlights' look. "Aye, well - Mr. Norrington!"

"Mr. Gibbs."

The clipped, precise tones made a stark change from Gibbs's voice, and John turned, automatically weighing up their owner. Military, he'd bet, and not someone to be underestimated. Polite too, from the way he was inclining his head in Teyla's direction.

"You wanted to see Jack." It wasn't a question. His gaze moved over them, as Norrington seemed to take his own estimation of them. "I'm afraid he's -"

A small familiar-sounding explosion interrupted him, and Norrington swung around.

"That's Jack's pistol!" Gibbs cried out, then both he and Norrington dashed off in the direction of the sound.

With a glance to his team, John followed, the others hard on his heels. It had sounded like a pistol too. But pirates, a ship and a pistol? In the middle of the Pegasus Galaxy? He guessed it was possible. Sort of. Maybe.

And they were running in the direction of the puddlejumper.

~'~

Jack looked up as Jamie and Gibbs hurtled into view. He'd thought letting off his pistol would get their attention. "Jamie! Look what I found!"

Jamie slowed to a walk, then stopped, one eyebrow rising.

Grinning, Jack indicated the apparently empty meadow.

There was a pause, then Jamie replied, "Flowers?"

He wasn't surprised at the doubt in the tone; flora had never been Jack's forte. "No! Joshamee!" He grinned at his old shipmate, about to ask him what he thought, then frowned as four strangers came into sight. Four strangers in very different clothing. "Friends of yours?"

"Not mine, Jack," Joshamee said, a warning look in his eyes. "They're strangers, travellers. Come through the Ring."

Well, now, that was interesting. The Ring was a fair distance off, at least three days' travel, and there was something extremely unusual in the meadow. Jack didn't doubt there was a connection. And could possibly be used to his advantage. He smiled beguilingly.

"Colonel John Sheppard," one of them said, stepping forward. "This is Doctor Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagen and Ronon."

Jack gazed at them. McKay, he guessed, was a scholar of some kind. And, from the uneasy looks he was giving Jack, he knew what Jack had found and was worrying about it. Teyla. Well, now. He'd bet she was just like Ana Maria, and made a note to give her a wide berth. And that left...

He was a tall one. Jack normally found that overly tall, well-muscled men were lacking in the upstairs department, but the quiet way he was watching Jack gave the lie to that assumption. He was well armed too, though Jack would lay odds the metallic object cradled in Sheppard's arms was a weapon of some kind. As for their leader... Oh yes, that lazy gaze wasn't missing anything.

Jack's smile widened. Today was turning out to be interesting. "So, what can we do for you?" he asked.

Surprisingly, it was Joshamee who replied, stepping up close to Jack and murmuring quickly into his ear. Jack raised his eyebrows. Strangers from the Ring who wanted to visit Calypso's place weren't an everyday event.

~'~

John resisted the urge to frown. Gibbs hadn't mentioned any 'Calypso' to them, but it had definitely got Jack's attention. As Jack smiled at them - again - John forced himself to smile back.

"Well, now." Jack pranced - there really was no other word for it - up to them. "While I'd like nothin' more than to show you around Calypso's place, it's too far to walk - what with it bein' across sea, an' all. And my boat is...bein' outfitted for our next voyage. As you might say."

He was lying, John was sure of it, but it made no difference. John had no intention of being trapped at sea for who knew how many days while they tried to find this Calypso's place. If the energy readings Rodney had picked up were clearer - coming from one direction, instead of being bounced all over the place - then John would have flown the puddlejumper straight there, but they weren't. At least Gibbs had identified something they'd said as meaning Calypso.

"We have our own means of transport," John informed him.

The gleam in the brown eyes deepened. "I'm sure you must have, what with you bein' travellers an' all. So, it is nearby, this transport of yours?"

In reply, John took out the remote control for his puddlejumper and clicked. The cloak went down, the ship appeared and Jack swung around.

"Wizardry!" Gibbs crossed himself.

Jack, on the other hand, was obviously fascinated. "Does it...move, then?"

"It can," John replied, glancing at the life signs detector in Rodney's hands as he lowered the hatch of the puddlejumper. It didn't look like they'd attacted anyone else's attention.

Jack, though, noticed and was at Rodney's side at an instant. "A pretty box with pretty lights in it." His mobile gaze roved over them, and John wouldn't have been surprised if he'd figured out what the lights meant. "That's interestin'."

"Um...." For once, Rodney wasn't taking the opportunity to explain anything. It seemed that pirates freaked him out.

"Joshamee!"

As Jack pranced off towards the equally-freaked out Gibbs, Ronon took the opportunity to lean in and ask quietly, "Are we taking them with us?"

John gazed at the trio. "I don't think we'll have the option of leaving him," he indicated Jack with a wave of his P-90, "behind." He assessed the other two. He suspected Jack would take the quiet Norrington along. That was fine. Teyla and Ronon could sit in the back with them, and Rodney would be up in the co-pilot's seat. If Jack and Norrington tried anything, John was fairly sure Teyla and Ronon could hold their own.

Jack turned, another gold smile flashing their way. "Joshamee's returnin' to the Pearl. Jamie an' I will be 'appy to go with you though." He seemed to have no doubt of their welcome.

Jamie coughed slightly. "It may be that Colonel Sheppard -"

"Will be happy to take you with us." John could lie through his teeth just as well as Jack obviously could. As Gibbs passed them, looking worried, John made sure to smile at him. He looked more worried, but continued off in the direction of the dock.

Grabbing Rodney's arm to make sure he didn't do anything stupid, like sit down anywhere near Jack or Norrington, John steered him towards the puddlejumper. "Take a seat," he invited his guests, not so subtly pushing Rodney into the front.

From the look in Jack's eye, he'd identified Rodney as some kind of weak link, and he was also realising he wouldn't be allowed to get near him, but his gaze left them and he smiled charmingly at Ronon and Teyla. "Would you know anyone called Ana Maria?" he asked.

~'~

McKay sat down, as far from Jack as Sheppard could manage, then he leaned over and started talking urgently to Sheppard in an undertone. As Teyla assured Jack that no, she wasn't related to Ana Maria, much to Jack's relief - one of them was enough - Jack did his best to eavesdrop on the other conversation. Anything that worried people was interesting to Jack.

'Energy readings' was a mystery to him, as was 'azedpiem', though McKay seemed to find them important.

His attention was distracted by the door of the 'transport' closing quietly.

"Ja-ack!"

As the room lit up - though how was another mystery - Jack smiled at Jamie. "Nothin' to worry about, mate. Is there?" he asked.

"Indeed, it is quite safe," Teyla assured him. "We have travelled this way many times before."

"Travelled."

Jamie sounded faintly nervous, and Jack smiled even more. These strangers had definitely made the day more interesting. As he realised it felt as though they were at sea, setting sail, a sudden lack of firm ground making itself apparent, Jack tensed, then forced himself to relax - or appear to, anyway. It looked like the day was going to get more interesting by the minute.

"Ronon."

Sheppard turned in his seat and passed something back, the tall man unfolding the paper to reveal -

"A map!" Jamie exclaimed.

Not quite like any map Jack had seen, though it didn't take him more than a minute to figure it out. As Jack took it from Ronon, Jamie leaned in to gaze at it closely.

"It shows the Pearl."

Jack kept his eyes fixed on the map. If this...transport was flying, the strangers had somehow managed to draw a map of Tortuga, the dock, his boat...

What Barbossa wouldn't give for a map like this. What anyone wouldn't give. Even Shipwreck Cove was there, in plain view.

"This is where you want." Jack placed one finger on the map, pointing clearly to where Calypso had lived as a mortal. He ignored the enquiring glance from Jamie. Let them appear helpful, innocent, benign. For now. Jack was determined he wouldn't let them leave with this map.

~'~

John glanced at where Jack was pointing, then turned his attention back to his flying. For some reason, Jack seemed agitated over the map. Well, let him. If he directed his attention to acquiring the map, it might stop him from creating trouble in other ways.

Fortunately, or maybe not so fortunately, they soon had other distractions. As they flew towards the spot Jack had indicated, John realised he was having trouble navigating. It was as though the puddlejumper was being pushed away.

Rodney had picked up on the problem, and his fingers were flying over his laptop keybaord, but a quick shake of his head told John he'd found nothing wrong.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!" Rodney snapped, raising his voice to be heard over the sudden storm outside. "Would you like to check for yourself?"

"Trouble?"

As Jack leaned over the back of Rodney's chair, the puddlejumper lurched in the howling wind, and John was almost sure it wasn't in reaction to him.

Jack was thrown, but a quick glance backwards showed Norrington had caught him and was hauling him back into his seat, with a bawled, "Men weren't meant to travel in metal boxes!"

John grinned, even as he battled with the puddlejumper's controls. Maybe they weren't, but he couldn't imagine Jack's ship would have fared any better.

The puddlejumper rolled, and John heard a loud, "Calypso!" from Jack, then they were free, swooping back the way they'd come.

"The ZedPM!" Rodney shouted.

Gritting his teeth, John began to turn the puddlejumper, then a quiet, "I wouldn't, mate," stopped him. He looked to where Jack was pushing himself up off Teyla, though she hadn't seemed to mind.

"Sometimes things ain't meant to be, savvy?" Jack shrugged, an easy, fluid motion of his shoulders. "Ain't no one been there since Calypso left. Maybe she ain't left, after all." He grinned, his gold teeth shining, and looked at Teyla. "You'd like her. She 'ad a lot of spirit."

John frowned. From the sounds of it, Jack wasn't sure Calypso had gone either. An Ancient? An Ancient who didn't want to be disturbed? Maybe it was better if they didn't find out.

"John." As John turned to look at her, Teyla continued, "I think we should leave."

"But -" Surprisingly, after his one word protest, Rodney stopped, though John was sure he'd hear more about it later.

"Yeah. Let's head back." John threw a glance at Rodney and offered, "We can't tell if it's a ZPM or not."

Rodney gave a frustrated sigh, but pointed out, "We'll never know now!"

"Cheer up, mate!" Jack's hand landed on Rodney's shoulder. "Maybe I can show you all Tortuga 'as to offer!"

John thought not. Jack wasn't the one thinking men shouldn't fly in metal boxes, and John didn't want them to have to walk back to the Stargate.

~'~

It wasn't until their goodbyes had been said, and Jack and Jamie were almost at the Pearl's side, that Jamie spoke up.

"I'm surprised you let them leave without at least attempting to acquire that...transport."

"Nah, mate. You were right on that one - men weren't meant to travel in metal boxes." Jack grinned. "Though I'd 'ave given the Pearl to see Barbossa's face if I'd turned up in one." He clapped a hand on Jamie's shoulder. "Get 'er ready to go. We 'ave new 'orizons."

Jack retired to his cabin and carefully pulled the map free from the slit in his coat. A flying box was one thing, but a map that showed everything there was to be seen? Now that was something worth the taking. All Jack had to do was decide where to take the Pearl first.

The end.
30th January 2010.