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dimity_blueI wrote this quite a few years ago and, so far as I'm aware, it's only posted on one site on the internet, though it's linked to from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
katana137uk's wonderful Cheyenne Mountain site.
I haven't written anything Star Trek related in quite a few years and this is the only ST story I ever wrote; the rest were filks. At the time, I was inordinately proud of myself as this (at almost 27,000 words) was the longest story I'd ever written. A couple of my Sentinel stories are far longer. :oD
Anyway, this is a parody, it's rather silly and um...if you're a fan of Captain Kirk, you might want to ignore it.
TITLE: Star Tracking
AUTHOR: Arnie
RATING: Gen, some het. Suitable for young teenagers and over.
WARNINGS: Mild romance, het only. Oh, and tons of references to one of the main characters sleeping around. Hey, he's based on Kirk - what do you expect?!
SUMMARY: Sleeping your way across the universe is not a good thing.
DISCLAIMER: The story itself and quite a few of the characters are mine, for once. Any characters you don't recognise are my invention. Not that any of them are based on any well known characters at all. Honestly. No, really. ::twitches::
Star Tracking
by Arnie
CHAPTER ONE
Space, it's infinite. And it's full of alien women for me to meet. Yes, these are the voyages of the Starship Endeavour. We travel as far as possible, (to get away from my paternity suits), to find new people and new alien women, as I boldly try to sleep my way across the universe.
CAPTAIN'S DIARY
After being chased by the Urgon warship, we have finally escaped from their female leader's vile wedding plans and we are now looking for a planet that will be rich in oil (and exceptionally beautiful women). So far we have not been successful. The nearby planets have all warned us to stay away, well, the men did. The women seemed to be anxious to embrace our alien culture.
~~~
Three days later the good Captain Dashing was growing weary of never seeing any new faces. Apart from anything else, his employers (having heard of his formidable reputation) had insisted on his only having men aboard. Call it sexist or call it safe, whichever you please.
The Captain anxiously paced across the bridge, his grey eyes scanning the instrument panels as the ship's sensors searched every planet they approached. So far there had been no sign of any women available, oh, they had not found any oil either.
Suddenly an alarm beeped. The Captain's eyes widened as they read the information being presented to him. The planet had several oilfields which could be drained but, more importantly, the population consisted of humanoid males and females.
"Yoicks! Tally-ho!" The good Captain jumped from his seat as the news hit his smaller than average brain.
Noticing their leader's excited posture, Ensign Kirenkov pressed the alarm that would warn the First Officer that his Captain would be getting ready for yet another conquest.
Five seconds later the First Officer arrived on the bridge. He smiled as he saw Dashing's happy face.
"At last," he thought, "now maybe I can get this moron off the ship for good."
"Steadfast," Dashing reached over and grabbed his arm. "Have you seen the sensors? Aha, we're saved. Lots of women...uh, oil down there. Isn't it exciting? The ship is saved."
Dashing put a lot of emphasis into the words 'ship' and 'saved'. He had a sneaking suspicion that Steadfast didn't really approve of him. Once or twice when he'd been checking his fair, immaculately combed hair in his pocket mirror, he had caught sight of Steadfast's face and the man had looked almost resentful. Well, that little speech about the ship being saved (not that the ship had been in any danger, but an idiot like Steadfast would not know that) should have allayed any worries he had.
Happily, Dashing slapped Steadfast on the back. "Go to work, man. There's oil in that there planet!"
"Yes, Captain." Steadfast barely restrained a groan. Being ordered around by a monkey with a libido problem really screwed up his day.
~o0o~
Two days later, Steadfast was feeling much better. Although the inhabitants of the planet, Tynar, had been willing to trade the oil for various bits of cargo, Dashing had failed in his one man mission to sleep with a female of every known race. In fact, one of the males had gone so far as to threaten to neuter the Captain. Naturally the Captain had not been too thrilled by the thought, but the Tynarian had managed to make the Captain understand that a hand in the wrong place would result in a large scalpel permanently damaging a certain part of his body.
The Captain had returned to the ship immediately and had spent the past two days sulking in his quarters refusing to come out.
Steadfast's week continued to improve when Dashing remained in his quarters even after they'd left the planet. This happy state of affairs continued for two weeks and then the doctor decided to get involved. The doctor was, unfortunately, a really decent man and, while Steadfast might be annoyed by him, he had to admit that the doctor was usually right.
Steadfast allowed himself to be persuaded to go and give his beloved Captain a pep talk. Steadfast had used the same pep talk fifteen times now, but the Captain had never seemed to notice. The pep talk consisted of Steadfast persuading Dashing that the universe was full of exotically beautiful women who were all longing to meet the crew of the Endeavour and that it was bad for crew morale if the Captain stayed in his quarters. After all, they were only mortal men and they needed the example set to them by the dashing Captain Dashing if they were to be successful with the opposite sex. The idea that several of them had already been very successful with the opposite sex had never occurred to Dashing's ego and he always swallowed the pep talk and enjoyed the not-so-subtle compliments that Steadfast had included.
After he had left his quarters, the Captain swaggered along to the doctor's office to tell him not to worry. He, Peter Dashing, was back on the bridge (or he soon would be) and the crew's morale would soon be back to normal.
The doctor looked up and grimaced as he saw Dashing enter his office. He knew exactly how this meeting would end. Dashing would insist on telling him exactly how many women he had slept with and in exactly what order he would rate their charms. If he was feeling really happy he would probably insist on telling him the anecdote of how he, Captain Peter Dashing, had managed to get a set of triplets on Kilone V pregnant without them finding out that they were all dating the same man.
The doctor did not like the Captain. He believed that Dashing had only got the job as Captain of the Endeavour because his father and all of his uncles happened to be Admirals and they hadn't known what else to do with him. The doctor, Bill Lipton by name, had only told Steadfast to get the Captain out of his doldrums because it *was* bad for the crew's morale. After all, how would you like to work for a libido on legs?
Lipton knew that they couldn't hide the truth from the crew forever, but he was finding it hard to deal with the truth himself. What Lipton did not know was that the crew, led by Steadfast, were already making plans over the Captain's future. If he had known, he would not have done anything to stop them.
~o0o~
CHAPTER TWO
Lt. Hashimoto looked up from his communications panel. "Captain, there's a message coming through from Stellarfleet Head Office for you."
Dashing turned in his chair. "What is it?" He felt distinctly annoyed. He'd been daydreaming about those triplets and now Hashimoto had interrupted him.
"I don't know, Captain. It's addressed to you." Hashimoto knew that messages addressed to the Captain, were for the Captain, but the Captain had not yet figured that one out.
"Put it through to my office," Dashing said petulantly. Typical! Get involved in a good daydream and someone just had to interfere. He heaved a sigh, stood up, and walked to the doors that led to his office, totally unaware that his backside had been in great danger of having Hashimoto's boot make first contact with it.
As soon as he had gone, Hashimoto turned to Commander Steadfast. "Sir, there is also a message for you."
Although the Captain's message were merely new orders, which were also contained within Steadfast's private communique, Steadfast's happened to be rather more detailed than the Captain's. Basically they were to proceed to Balon II and collect some passengers, including the daughter of a major shareholder of Stellarfleet, and then take them to a neighbouring star system. There were times when Steadfast thought that they had been reduced to the status of a taxicab. But Steadfast was also ordered to do everything in his power to prevent the lady from being hassled and/or insulted by his beloved Captain. In a postscript added by an old friend of Steadfast, he had even been empowered to have the Captain shot with a sedative and propped up in his chair for the duration of their assignment if that's what it took. For some reason, Steadfast found that thought strangely comforting.
When Dashing discovered that one of the passengers would be female, he had ordered that the entire ship be scrubbed and polished. He himself had spent fifteen hours getting ready. They arrived at Balon II three hours later than scheduled.
Dashing was just putting the finishing touches to his hair when the intercom beeped. Steadfast's voice informed him that their passengers were ready to come on board and asked whether the Captain would be joining them in the shuttle bay. Dashing hit the intercom button with a fierce jab and said that he'd be there.
Did Steadfast really think that he was going to miss this opportunity? This girl's father was a rich man. Dashing had even given thought to actually marrying her. Her father could set him up in a business of his own - or get him a post at head office where he could spend his day watching his secretary and chasing her around his desk. Dashing hated being in space. He would not have minded if there had been some females on board but his ship was the only one in the fleet which did not carry women. Dashing did not know why.
~o0o~
"Mr. Steadfast and I are old friends, thank you." The words astounded Dashing. He had just offered to introduce this goddess among women (in all his life he'd never seen such a beauty - and he'd seen plenty) to his incredibly boring First Officer and she already knew him! He scowled as Steadfast chatted to her and at the first opportunity he cut in and turned her to meet the Doctor.
"Why, Dr. Lipton! What a pleasure to see you again - it must be two years at least. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you, Miss Elliot. I can see that you're in perfect health too." As he spoke, Lipton could see Dashing's face and felt mildly concerned. The man looked as though he were chewing on his tonsils. What was wrong with him? "And how's your father?"
"Oh, he's fine. He often says that his present doctor isn't as good as you. You know what Daddy is, he hates change."
Lipton's assessment that Dashing was chewing on his tonsils was not too far from the truth. If he could, he would have spat them onto the floor and danced a fandango on them. Did everyone on board the ship know her? Even the engineer, Lt. Commander McFadden, was being greeted with real friendliness and warmth. Here was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and she was shaking hands with an engineer! Dashing wanted to reach out and slap his hand away. How dared he put those hands around the hand of this woman? He'd touched the engines with those hands!
As she passed down the line of senior staff, junior staff and anyone who could find any excuse to join the line, Miss Judith Elliot conquered them all. Those she knew had already fallen victim to her charms, those she didn't know were all too ready to fall victim. The only person she didn't want to charm was the Captain. She was aware of him as she made her way down the line. His agitated shadow bounced around on the floor and the wall and seemed to lunge forward every time she ran into yet another old friend.
Once she'd shaken hands with everyone, (including the janitor much to Dashing's annoyance - that was the man who cleaned the toilets, for God's sake), they were ready to pass into the observation lounge and make small talk. The rest of the guests had been content to stop shaking hands once they'd reached the end of the senior staff, which had been quite some time ago. On the instant that her hand had left the janitor's, both the Captain and his First Officer had leapt forward with their arms crooked invitingly. There was an instant's awkward silence, and then, with a charming smile, Judith slipped her right arm through Steadfast's and her left through Dashing's, satisfying both of them. For now.
~o0o~
Part 2.
katana137uk's wonderful Cheyenne Mountain site.I haven't written anything Star Trek related in quite a few years and this is the only ST story I ever wrote; the rest were filks. At the time, I was inordinately proud of myself as this (at almost 27,000 words) was the longest story I'd ever written. A couple of my Sentinel stories are far longer. :oD
Anyway, this is a parody, it's rather silly and um...if you're a fan of Captain Kirk, you might want to ignore it.
TITLE: Star Tracking
AUTHOR: Arnie
RATING: Gen, some het. Suitable for young teenagers and over.
WARNINGS: Mild romance, het only. Oh, and tons of references to one of the main characters sleeping around. Hey, he's based on Kirk - what do you expect?!
SUMMARY: Sleeping your way across the universe is not a good thing.
DISCLAIMER: The story itself and quite a few of the characters are mine, for once. Any characters you don't recognise are my invention. Not that any of them are based on any well known characters at all. Honestly. No, really. ::twitches::
Star Tracking
by Arnie
CHAPTER ONE
Space, it's infinite. And it's full of alien women for me to meet. Yes, these are the voyages of the Starship Endeavour. We travel as far as possible, (to get away from my paternity suits), to find new people and new alien women, as I boldly try to sleep my way across the universe.
CAPTAIN'S DIARY
After being chased by the Urgon warship, we have finally escaped from their female leader's vile wedding plans and we are now looking for a planet that will be rich in oil (and exceptionally beautiful women). So far we have not been successful. The nearby planets have all warned us to stay away, well, the men did. The women seemed to be anxious to embrace our alien culture.
~~~
Three days later the good Captain Dashing was growing weary of never seeing any new faces. Apart from anything else, his employers (having heard of his formidable reputation) had insisted on his only having men aboard. Call it sexist or call it safe, whichever you please.
The Captain anxiously paced across the bridge, his grey eyes scanning the instrument panels as the ship's sensors searched every planet they approached. So far there had been no sign of any women available, oh, they had not found any oil either.
Suddenly an alarm beeped. The Captain's eyes widened as they read the information being presented to him. The planet had several oilfields which could be drained but, more importantly, the population consisted of humanoid males and females.
"Yoicks! Tally-ho!" The good Captain jumped from his seat as the news hit his smaller than average brain.
Noticing their leader's excited posture, Ensign Kirenkov pressed the alarm that would warn the First Officer that his Captain would be getting ready for yet another conquest.
Five seconds later the First Officer arrived on the bridge. He smiled as he saw Dashing's happy face.
"At last," he thought, "now maybe I can get this moron off the ship for good."
"Steadfast," Dashing reached over and grabbed his arm. "Have you seen the sensors? Aha, we're saved. Lots of women...uh, oil down there. Isn't it exciting? The ship is saved."
Dashing put a lot of emphasis into the words 'ship' and 'saved'. He had a sneaking suspicion that Steadfast didn't really approve of him. Once or twice when he'd been checking his fair, immaculately combed hair in his pocket mirror, he had caught sight of Steadfast's face and the man had looked almost resentful. Well, that little speech about the ship being saved (not that the ship had been in any danger, but an idiot like Steadfast would not know that) should have allayed any worries he had.
Happily, Dashing slapped Steadfast on the back. "Go to work, man. There's oil in that there planet!"
"Yes, Captain." Steadfast barely restrained a groan. Being ordered around by a monkey with a libido problem really screwed up his day.
~o0o~
Two days later, Steadfast was feeling much better. Although the inhabitants of the planet, Tynar, had been willing to trade the oil for various bits of cargo, Dashing had failed in his one man mission to sleep with a female of every known race. In fact, one of the males had gone so far as to threaten to neuter the Captain. Naturally the Captain had not been too thrilled by the thought, but the Tynarian had managed to make the Captain understand that a hand in the wrong place would result in a large scalpel permanently damaging a certain part of his body.
The Captain had returned to the ship immediately and had spent the past two days sulking in his quarters refusing to come out.
Steadfast's week continued to improve when Dashing remained in his quarters even after they'd left the planet. This happy state of affairs continued for two weeks and then the doctor decided to get involved. The doctor was, unfortunately, a really decent man and, while Steadfast might be annoyed by him, he had to admit that the doctor was usually right.
Steadfast allowed himself to be persuaded to go and give his beloved Captain a pep talk. Steadfast had used the same pep talk fifteen times now, but the Captain had never seemed to notice. The pep talk consisted of Steadfast persuading Dashing that the universe was full of exotically beautiful women who were all longing to meet the crew of the Endeavour and that it was bad for crew morale if the Captain stayed in his quarters. After all, they were only mortal men and they needed the example set to them by the dashing Captain Dashing if they were to be successful with the opposite sex. The idea that several of them had already been very successful with the opposite sex had never occurred to Dashing's ego and he always swallowed the pep talk and enjoyed the not-so-subtle compliments that Steadfast had included.
After he had left his quarters, the Captain swaggered along to the doctor's office to tell him not to worry. He, Peter Dashing, was back on the bridge (or he soon would be) and the crew's morale would soon be back to normal.
The doctor looked up and grimaced as he saw Dashing enter his office. He knew exactly how this meeting would end. Dashing would insist on telling him exactly how many women he had slept with and in exactly what order he would rate their charms. If he was feeling really happy he would probably insist on telling him the anecdote of how he, Captain Peter Dashing, had managed to get a set of triplets on Kilone V pregnant without them finding out that they were all dating the same man.
The doctor did not like the Captain. He believed that Dashing had only got the job as Captain of the Endeavour because his father and all of his uncles happened to be Admirals and they hadn't known what else to do with him. The doctor, Bill Lipton by name, had only told Steadfast to get the Captain out of his doldrums because it *was* bad for the crew's morale. After all, how would you like to work for a libido on legs?
Lipton knew that they couldn't hide the truth from the crew forever, but he was finding it hard to deal with the truth himself. What Lipton did not know was that the crew, led by Steadfast, were already making plans over the Captain's future. If he had known, he would not have done anything to stop them.
~o0o~
CHAPTER TWO
Lt. Hashimoto looked up from his communications panel. "Captain, there's a message coming through from Stellarfleet Head Office for you."
Dashing turned in his chair. "What is it?" He felt distinctly annoyed. He'd been daydreaming about those triplets and now Hashimoto had interrupted him.
"I don't know, Captain. It's addressed to you." Hashimoto knew that messages addressed to the Captain, were for the Captain, but the Captain had not yet figured that one out.
"Put it through to my office," Dashing said petulantly. Typical! Get involved in a good daydream and someone just had to interfere. He heaved a sigh, stood up, and walked to the doors that led to his office, totally unaware that his backside had been in great danger of having Hashimoto's boot make first contact with it.
As soon as he had gone, Hashimoto turned to Commander Steadfast. "Sir, there is also a message for you."
Although the Captain's message were merely new orders, which were also contained within Steadfast's private communique, Steadfast's happened to be rather more detailed than the Captain's. Basically they were to proceed to Balon II and collect some passengers, including the daughter of a major shareholder of Stellarfleet, and then take them to a neighbouring star system. There were times when Steadfast thought that they had been reduced to the status of a taxicab. But Steadfast was also ordered to do everything in his power to prevent the lady from being hassled and/or insulted by his beloved Captain. In a postscript added by an old friend of Steadfast, he had even been empowered to have the Captain shot with a sedative and propped up in his chair for the duration of their assignment if that's what it took. For some reason, Steadfast found that thought strangely comforting.
When Dashing discovered that one of the passengers would be female, he had ordered that the entire ship be scrubbed and polished. He himself had spent fifteen hours getting ready. They arrived at Balon II three hours later than scheduled.
Dashing was just putting the finishing touches to his hair when the intercom beeped. Steadfast's voice informed him that their passengers were ready to come on board and asked whether the Captain would be joining them in the shuttle bay. Dashing hit the intercom button with a fierce jab and said that he'd be there.
Did Steadfast really think that he was going to miss this opportunity? This girl's father was a rich man. Dashing had even given thought to actually marrying her. Her father could set him up in a business of his own - or get him a post at head office where he could spend his day watching his secretary and chasing her around his desk. Dashing hated being in space. He would not have minded if there had been some females on board but his ship was the only one in the fleet which did not carry women. Dashing did not know why.
~o0o~
"Mr. Steadfast and I are old friends, thank you." The words astounded Dashing. He had just offered to introduce this goddess among women (in all his life he'd never seen such a beauty - and he'd seen plenty) to his incredibly boring First Officer and she already knew him! He scowled as Steadfast chatted to her and at the first opportunity he cut in and turned her to meet the Doctor.
"Why, Dr. Lipton! What a pleasure to see you again - it must be two years at least. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you, Miss Elliot. I can see that you're in perfect health too." As he spoke, Lipton could see Dashing's face and felt mildly concerned. The man looked as though he were chewing on his tonsils. What was wrong with him? "And how's your father?"
"Oh, he's fine. He often says that his present doctor isn't as good as you. You know what Daddy is, he hates change."
Lipton's assessment that Dashing was chewing on his tonsils was not too far from the truth. If he could, he would have spat them onto the floor and danced a fandango on them. Did everyone on board the ship know her? Even the engineer, Lt. Commander McFadden, was being greeted with real friendliness and warmth. Here was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and she was shaking hands with an engineer! Dashing wanted to reach out and slap his hand away. How dared he put those hands around the hand of this woman? He'd touched the engines with those hands!
As she passed down the line of senior staff, junior staff and anyone who could find any excuse to join the line, Miss Judith Elliot conquered them all. Those she knew had already fallen victim to her charms, those she didn't know were all too ready to fall victim. The only person she didn't want to charm was the Captain. She was aware of him as she made her way down the line. His agitated shadow bounced around on the floor and the wall and seemed to lunge forward every time she ran into yet another old friend.
Once she'd shaken hands with everyone, (including the janitor much to Dashing's annoyance - that was the man who cleaned the toilets, for God's sake), they were ready to pass into the observation lounge and make small talk. The rest of the guests had been content to stop shaking hands once they'd reached the end of the senior staff, which had been quite some time ago. On the instant that her hand had left the janitor's, both the Captain and his First Officer had leapt forward with their arms crooked invitingly. There was an instant's awkward silence, and then, with a charming smile, Judith slipped her right arm through Steadfast's and her left through Dashing's, satisfying both of them. For now.
~o0o~
Part 2.