Late night silliness - Taser Jim
Apr. 22nd, 2006 08:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dimity_blueThis is a short bonding fic that was written during a conversation between ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
raphe1 and a fanfic writer who is totally unknown. However, raphe1 nagged me until I agreed to post this on my LJ...for some unknown reason.
The author's name has been changed to protect theguilty innocent.
raphe1: I know I know
raphe1: you are dying to write those rape-kill-brain-damaged-bonding fics
Lord Xenu: and you keep on stopping me
Lord Xenu: ::sighs::
raphe1: would give you more pleasure
raphe1: I know
Lord Xenu: yep
Lord Xenu: and SO easy
Lord Xenu: bad characterisation and everything
raphe1: I am EVIL
Taser Jim
by Lord Xenu (not me)
Jim strode through Cascade like the Terminator on steroids. "Kill!" he boomed.
Blair watched from the sidelines. "Man, I have got to cut back on your sugar," he muttered.
JIm stopped and glared him. "Stop ruining my fun, Sandburg."
Shaking his head, Blair picked up the taser. "You know you asked for this one."
ZZZZZAAPPPPPP! Laughing, Jim put his taser away and then smirked down at his twitching, unconscious Guide. "Fooled ya!"
Chuckling away to himself at how clever he was, Jim hauled his Guide up and over his shoulder. "Bonding time!" he announced, to no one in particular. Stalking off, he manoeuvred Blair into the passenger seat of the truck and seatbelted him safely in place.
Blair groaned as he began to come around.
raphe1: oooh
raphe1: he TASERED HIM?
Lord Xenu: yep
raphe1: and THEN used the seatbelt???
Lord Xenu: yeah, why?
Lord Xenu: he's a very considerate Sentinel
Lord Xenu: DUH
raphe1: of course
As garbled sounds came out of Blair's mouth, Jim said, "Don't worry, Chief. One quick bonding and you'll feel as right as rain."
As the truck came to a halt in front of the loft, Blair glared at Jim. His body was mostly responding, although he kept on twitching now and then. "If you think I'm bonding with you, think again!" The words were slurred but their meaning was clear.
As Jim opened the passenger door, undid Blair's seatbelt and hauled his weakened Guide over his shoulder, he grinned. "Don't worry, Chief. I'll respect you in the morning."
"Dumb Sentinel," Blair muttered.
Jim felt Blair's head resting against his back; his Guide was giving in. Once they were in the loft, Jim locked the door, then carefully deposited Blair on the couch. "Sorry I tasered you, Chief; I don't know what came over me."
"'S'okay, man," Blair mumbled. Reaching up with one hand, he prodded his face gingerly. "Still a bit numb."
"It'll wear off." Jim was an expert in how long tasers took to wear off. Unfortunately, Blair was becoming an expert too.
While Blair lay there, poking his face now and then, Jim made tea. As he pottered around the kitchen, Jim congratulated himself on being a kind, considerate Sentinel. He'd let Blair drink his tea before bonding.
As soon as the tea was drunk, Jim settled down on the couch, next to Blair. "You know, Chief," he said, laying a hand on his Guide's knee. "I really appreciate you being my Guide."
"I know, Jim," Blair replied, earnestly. "And I'd appreciate you being my Sentinel even more if you'd knock it off with the tasering."
Jim was puzzled. "How else am I going to subdue you?" he asked.
"Jim. You're bigger than me, stronger than me, and are trained in various martial arts by the Rangers. Figure it out!"
Jim thought. "Oh!"
"Gotcha," he said, smirking. "No tasers from now on."
"Thank God," Blair muttered. As he leaned back against the cushions, Blair eyed his Sentinel, the scent of bonding in the air.
Jim smirked as he pinned his Guide in place and lowered his head to nip at the alluring neck.
raphe1: mmmm
Lord Xenu: ?
Lord Xenu: mmmm?
raphe1: ::still waiting for rape-brain damage-death::
Lord Xenu: oh
raphe1: ::though NOT Jim or Blair::
Lord Xenu: OH
Suddenly the door burst open and Kincaid staggered in. "You damn freaky...freaks!" Kincaid spat. He was vaguely aware that he'd needed another insult and made a note to buy a dictionary on his way home. "If you hadn't ruined my plans, I'd be ruling Cascade by now!"
raphe1: ooh
raphe1: LANGUAGE
raphe1: ::faints::
Lord Xenu: I know. Sorry
Lord Xenu: don't worry though
Growling, Jim got to his feet. No one burst in on him when he was about to bond with his marvellous, wonderful Guide.
Blair smirked at Kincaid. Jim liked him better than he liked Kincaid.
Furiously, Kincaid rushed forward, but Jim grabbed for the phone and hurled it in Kincaid's face. Staggering back, Kincaid reeled into the hallway and then fell down the stairs, finally crashing to a halt at the bottom in a tangled pile of limbs.
raphe1: Kincaid is doing a lot of staggering
raphe1: ::passes over number to AA::
Blair sat up. "Do you think he's hurt?!"
Jim slammed the door shut and wedged a chair under the handle. "I don't care."
Pouncing, he manhandled Blair until he was flat on the couch and resumed his exploration of his Guide's neck. "Where were we?"
Blair gazed up at the ceiling, bonding heat rushing through his system and whirling around his brain. "Huh?"
Jim sighed. His Guide made no sense at all during bonding.
Note: Sentinels like to bond because, during bonding, they get to be the intelligent ones.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Kincaid's followers were distraught to find their peerless hero flat on his back with a dazed look on his face. They managed to get him to his feet and out in to their vehicle, but...it was in vain.
raphe1: ::calls Temperance League::
As Kincaid face-planted in the back of the van, his witless wonders gazed at each other in dismay. "What do we do?" one of them cried.
"Do?!" Kincaid's second in command took charge. "We uh...go for coffee!"
Hurriedly driving to the nearest Starbucks, they piled out of the van and into the cafe. "Coffee, wench!" one of them demanded, snapping his fingers at the girl behind the bar.
"Wench?! What do you think I am?" Furiously, the girl whipped out her sawn off shotgun and killed them all. "That's it - I quit!" Dragging off her apron, she threw it on the bar and stalked past the stunned coffee drinkers. "No one calls me a wench and gets away with it!"
Grabbing her coat and purse, she went out to her car and then sat there for a while, thinking "I can do better than this!" she announced to her dashboard.
Turning the key in the ignition, she smiled. She knew what she'd do. She'd go back to Springfield and become a doctor, just like she'd always wanted.
The End
raphe1: mmmm
raphe1: no rape though
raphe1: ::sobs::
Lord Xenu: sorry
raphe1: mmmm
Lord Xenu: well, one of Kincaid's followers checked out his ass when he was face down on the floor
You know, I think thatraphe1 needs to give up coffee. She's so hyper.
:oD
raphe1 and a fanfic writer who is totally unknown. However, raphe1 nagged me until I agreed to post this on my LJ...for some unknown reason.The author's name has been changed to protect the
raphe1: I know I know
raphe1: you are dying to write those rape-kill-brain-damaged-bonding fics
Lord Xenu: and you keep on stopping me
Lord Xenu: ::sighs::
raphe1: would give you more pleasure
raphe1: I know
Lord Xenu: yep
Lord Xenu: and SO easy
Lord Xenu: bad characterisation and everything
raphe1: I am EVIL
Taser Jim
by Lord Xenu (not me)
Jim strode through Cascade like the Terminator on steroids. "Kill!" he boomed.
Blair watched from the sidelines. "Man, I have got to cut back on your sugar," he muttered.
JIm stopped and glared him. "Stop ruining my fun, Sandburg."
Shaking his head, Blair picked up the taser. "You know you asked for this one."
ZZZZZAAPPPPPP! Laughing, Jim put his taser away and then smirked down at his twitching, unconscious Guide. "Fooled ya!"
Chuckling away to himself at how clever he was, Jim hauled his Guide up and over his shoulder. "Bonding time!" he announced, to no one in particular. Stalking off, he manoeuvred Blair into the passenger seat of the truck and seatbelted him safely in place.
Blair groaned as he began to come around.
raphe1: oooh
raphe1: he TASERED HIM?
Lord Xenu: yep
raphe1: and THEN used the seatbelt???
Lord Xenu: yeah, why?
Lord Xenu: he's a very considerate Sentinel
Lord Xenu: DUH
raphe1: of course
As garbled sounds came out of Blair's mouth, Jim said, "Don't worry, Chief. One quick bonding and you'll feel as right as rain."
As the truck came to a halt in front of the loft, Blair glared at Jim. His body was mostly responding, although he kept on twitching now and then. "If you think I'm bonding with you, think again!" The words were slurred but their meaning was clear.
As Jim opened the passenger door, undid Blair's seatbelt and hauled his weakened Guide over his shoulder, he grinned. "Don't worry, Chief. I'll respect you in the morning."
"Dumb Sentinel," Blair muttered.
Jim felt Blair's head resting against his back; his Guide was giving in. Once they were in the loft, Jim locked the door, then carefully deposited Blair on the couch. "Sorry I tasered you, Chief; I don't know what came over me."
"'S'okay, man," Blair mumbled. Reaching up with one hand, he prodded his face gingerly. "Still a bit numb."
"It'll wear off." Jim was an expert in how long tasers took to wear off. Unfortunately, Blair was becoming an expert too.
While Blair lay there, poking his face now and then, Jim made tea. As he pottered around the kitchen, Jim congratulated himself on being a kind, considerate Sentinel. He'd let Blair drink his tea before bonding.
As soon as the tea was drunk, Jim settled down on the couch, next to Blair. "You know, Chief," he said, laying a hand on his Guide's knee. "I really appreciate you being my Guide."
"I know, Jim," Blair replied, earnestly. "And I'd appreciate you being my Sentinel even more if you'd knock it off with the tasering."
Jim was puzzled. "How else am I going to subdue you?" he asked.
"Jim. You're bigger than me, stronger than me, and are trained in various martial arts by the Rangers. Figure it out!"
Jim thought. "Oh!"
"Gotcha," he said, smirking. "No tasers from now on."
"Thank God," Blair muttered. As he leaned back against the cushions, Blair eyed his Sentinel, the scent of bonding in the air.
Jim smirked as he pinned his Guide in place and lowered his head to nip at the alluring neck.
raphe1: mmmm
Lord Xenu: ?
Lord Xenu: mmmm?
raphe1: ::still waiting for rape-brain damage-death::
Lord Xenu: oh
raphe1: ::though NOT Jim or Blair::
Lord Xenu: OH
Suddenly the door burst open and Kincaid staggered in. "You damn freaky...freaks!" Kincaid spat. He was vaguely aware that he'd needed another insult and made a note to buy a dictionary on his way home. "If you hadn't ruined my plans, I'd be ruling Cascade by now!"
raphe1: ooh
raphe1: LANGUAGE
raphe1: ::faints::
Lord Xenu: I know. Sorry
Lord Xenu: don't worry though
Growling, Jim got to his feet. No one burst in on him when he was about to bond with his marvellous, wonderful Guide.
Blair smirked at Kincaid. Jim liked him better than he liked Kincaid.
Furiously, Kincaid rushed forward, but Jim grabbed for the phone and hurled it in Kincaid's face. Staggering back, Kincaid reeled into the hallway and then fell down the stairs, finally crashing to a halt at the bottom in a tangled pile of limbs.
raphe1: Kincaid is doing a lot of staggering
raphe1: ::passes over number to AA::
Blair sat up. "Do you think he's hurt?!"
Jim slammed the door shut and wedged a chair under the handle. "I don't care."
Pouncing, he manhandled Blair until he was flat on the couch and resumed his exploration of his Guide's neck. "Where were we?"
Blair gazed up at the ceiling, bonding heat rushing through his system and whirling around his brain. "Huh?"
Jim sighed. His Guide made no sense at all during bonding.
Note: Sentinels like to bond because, during bonding, they get to be the intelligent ones.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Kincaid's followers were distraught to find their peerless hero flat on his back with a dazed look on his face. They managed to get him to his feet and out in to their vehicle, but...it was in vain.
raphe1: ::calls Temperance League::
As Kincaid face-planted in the back of the van, his witless wonders gazed at each other in dismay. "What do we do?" one of them cried.
"Do?!" Kincaid's second in command took charge. "We uh...go for coffee!"
Hurriedly driving to the nearest Starbucks, they piled out of the van and into the cafe. "Coffee, wench!" one of them demanded, snapping his fingers at the girl behind the bar.
"Wench?! What do you think I am?" Furiously, the girl whipped out her sawn off shotgun and killed them all. "That's it - I quit!" Dragging off her apron, she threw it on the bar and stalked past the stunned coffee drinkers. "No one calls me a wench and gets away with it!"
Grabbing her coat and purse, she went out to her car and then sat there for a while, thinking "I can do better than this!" she announced to her dashboard.
Turning the key in the ignition, she smiled. She knew what she'd do. She'd go back to Springfield and become a doctor, just like she'd always wanted.
The End
raphe1: mmmm
raphe1: no rape though
raphe1: ::sobs::
Lord Xenu: sorry
raphe1: mmmm
Lord Xenu: well, one of Kincaid's followers checked out his ass when he was face down on the floor
You know, I think that
raphe1 needs to give up coffee. She's so hyper.:oD
