Fic: The Private Diary of John Watson
Oct. 26th, 2011 07:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dimity_blueTitle: The Private Diary of John Watson
Author: Arnie
Rating: PG (for some swearing)
Genre: Gen, humour
Pairing: None
Wordcount: 1,551
Disclaimer: Not mine, alas. This version of Sherlock belongs to yon clever chaps at the BBC (Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat) while Sherlock Holmes and John Watson belong to Arthur Conon Doyle.
There are some references to cases from the ACD stories.
Author's note: This fic came about because I was explaining to a friend of mine (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
raphe1) that yes, John does get kidnapped in episodes 2 and 3. Episode 1 too, if you count Mycroft. Poor John.
The Private Diary of John Watson
by Arnie
Since I published A Study in Pink on my blog, my blog hasn't been private at all. Not that it was private to start off with. I'm pretty sure my therapist was looking at it, and as for Sherlock, to say nothing of Mycroft, well, the idea of 'private' is something that's for other people, not me.
I'm keeping this at my surgery in a locked drawer. If Sherlock finds out about it, he'll think it's fun, to say nothing of right, to break into my office in order to read it. I don't doubt Mycroft would do the same, but he'd let his chauffeur or Anthea do the actual breaking and entering.
So, here it is. My private diary and not to be read by anyone else. At all. Especially not anyone named Holmes.
~~~
Date: 6th April 2010
Quite an exciting day, really. I got kidnapped by Moriarty who promptly strapped a bomb to me. Fortunately for me, Sherlock had more than one plan on hand and we escaped. I'll have to write that up for my blog, which Sherlock will, no doubt, criticise at length.
He also made some pointed comments about my having been kidnapped again. I don't get kidnapped that often. Anyway, you can't count my first encounter with Mycroft as an actual kidnapping as he let me go, and the Tong only kidnapped me because they thought I was Sherlock. Not my fault at all.
Also, Sherlock's insane if he thinks I'm going to refer to that incident as the 'skewering Sarah' part of the case. First of all, she knows how to hide a body, and secondly, I'd like to get laid some time this century.
~~~
Date: 14th April 2010
Found a leg in the fridge today. Human, naturally. I think we need a bigger fridge.
~~~
Date: 15th April 2010
Lestrade phoning Sherlock. He's just looking smug. God knows what he's been up to this time.
~~~
Date: 16th April 2010
Lestrade raided the flat again. Anderson very interested in the leg in the fridge. I told him to take it with him. Sherlock not impressed.
~~~
Date: 21st April 2010
Got kidnapped again today. All a total misunderstanding. Went to Tesco to do some shopping, got into a disagreement over the fish counter, and ended up face first in a pile of haddock. Security escorted us both out and the bloke had another go at me in the car park. One thing led to another and I knocked myself out on a concrete bollard. I came round in the boot of his car, just before he got to the reservoir where he planned on dumping my body. Hell of a shock for him as he thought I was dead. I gave him a huge lecture - people have to drink that water, after all. He apologised and gave me a lift back to the local Asda. I got the shopping from there and caught a taxi back to here so I could clean the smell of fish off my face. At least Sherlock won't know about this one.
~~~
Date: 22nd April 2010
Sherlock found out about the fish incident and kidnapping. He said he could tell by the jammy dodgers I bought and if I bought them again could I avoid the trip to the reservoir? Damn.
~~~
Date: 25th April 2010
Got kidnapped again today. Naturally, it wasn't my fault - they thought I was Sherlock. Do I look like Sherlock Holmes?! Sherlock said it gave him time to solve the case. So glad it came in handy. Not.
~~~
Date: 30th April 2010
Lestrade raided the flat again. Sherlock told him to just move in and save the hassle, but he'll have to share my room.
~~~
Date: 3rd May 2010
Almost got kidnapped outside 221B today. Sherlock critiqued my fighting style from the upstairs window. Fortunately, Mrs. Hudson was baking rock cakes at the time and she came out with her rolling pin. One kidnapper ran off, but I had to take the other to hospital with a concussion.
Note: Don't annoy Mrs. H. when she's baking.
~~~
Date: 5th May 2010
We investigated the Mrs. Gibson murder. Well, I say 'we', but I mean 'Sherlock'. Fortunately for Gibson and his mistress, it turned out to be suicide. I didn't get kidnapped!
~~~
Date: 10th May 2010
Had a date with Sarah. It was interrupted when she got kidnapped. At least it wasn't me! I'm a grown man, a trained soldier, but people can kidnap me at the drop of a hat. It's embarrassing. Sarah was none too pleased when we got her back, but I told her to be grateful - at least no one thinks she's Sherlock Holmes.
~~~
Date: 14th May 2010
Off to Harrow to visit Mrs. Maberley. Sherlock very interested in why people want to buy her house.
~~~
Date: 19th May 2010
Today was a bit embarrassing. I thought I was about to be kidnapped by two little old ladies (after all, they might have been in disguise), but it turned out they just wanted me to help them across the road. Sherlock's been making so-called witty comments about Granny Ninjas. Bastard.
~~~
Date: 20th May 2010
Found out Sherlock contacted the Oxford English Dictionary people to tell them to change 'kidnap' to 'Johnnap'. I told him he wasn't funny.
~~~
Date: 23rd May 2010
Reading up Doctors Without Borders today. Might get kidnapped less if I'm in another country. Net book shut down and wouldn't restart. I suspect Sherlock had something to do with it.
~~~
Date: 28th May 2010
Granny Ninjas were kidnappers, though not actual Ninjas (thank God). Sherlock had to rescue me from the Marylebone Women's Institute. He attempted to ransom me back with a packet of McVities Hobnobs, but they insisted Sherlock had to investigate the mystery of Mrs. Thorpe's broken dentures. He uncovered a Mafia plot to take over the local bingo halls and use them for gun-running. At least we got to keep the Hobnobs.
~~~
Date: 6th June 2010
There was a fight in the waiting room today. As it turned out, there were three rival gang members planning on kidnapping me during their patient appointments. When they realised they weren't the only ones planning on kidnapping me, they started a punch up - winner takes all (all being me). We threw them out, but the winner came back during evening surgery and tried to knock me out with my reflex hammer. Am not impressed.
Sarah was far too happy about the whole thing. I knew she hadn't forgiven me for the other week.
~~~
Date: 7th June 2010
Have realised I've started to think of my days as 'kidnapped' and 'not kidnapped'. I may need psychiatric help.
~~~
Date: 14th June 2010
Kidnapped again today, by Sherlock of all people. He said he's trying to work out what the attraction is in kidnapping me. I said I didn't get kidnapped before I moved in with him, but he dismissed it as pure coincidence. We spent three hours driving around in a rented car with Sherlock asking me questions. I have no idea what he expected to learn; I don't know why people keep on kidnapping me.
~~~
Date: 22nd June 2010
I met up with Harry for lunch today. We got kidnapped. Harry wasn't pleased but I told her it's my fifteenth kidnapping in six months, so she could count herself lucky. She started talking about Stockholm Syndrome and recommending a good psychiatrist. I wanted to wait for Sherlock to rescue us, but she insisted on escaping. Oh well, I did have to get back to work.
~~~
Date: 29th June 2010
Ha! I'm vindicated! Sherlock got kidnapped today. Lestrade and I got him back. He spent the evening sulking. I told him to look on it as a learning experience, and maybe he'd sympathise with me next time.
~~~
Date: 30th June 2010
Sherlock still not talking to me.
~~~
Date: 1st July 2010
Sherlock still not talking to me. Mycroft keeps on texting me though. Lots of capitals and exclamation marks.
~~~
Date: 7th July 2010
Damn, kidnapped again. Sherlock extremely jubilant when he rescued me. Said something about 'natural order'. I don't understand him half the time.
~~~
Date: 12th July 2010
Off to Croydon to investigate a parcel with severed ears. I stayed in the taxi in case of kidnappers and the cabbie kidnapped me. I can't win!
~~~
Date: 18th July 2010
Kidnapped again. This time by a team of Russian athletes. They said Mycroft's had 'Kidnapping John Watson' recognised as an international sport. I tried to tell them it was a joke (note: not convinced he has a sense of humour) but they didn't believe me. Turned out to be true. Mycroft said it'll be very civilised - no more than twice a week and only for two hours each time, but I told him to get stuffed. I'm off to Afghanistan as it's a hell of a lot quieter over there.
~~~
Date: 21st July 2010
Sherlock coming with me to Afghanistan. Not sure a different country will solve the problem. May have to think this one over.
The End.
Hope you liked it. Please let me know if you spotted any mistakes.
Author: Arnie
Rating: PG (for some swearing)
Genre: Gen, humour
Pairing: None
Wordcount: 1,551
Disclaimer: Not mine, alas. This version of Sherlock belongs to yon clever chaps at the BBC (Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat) while Sherlock Holmes and John Watson belong to Arthur Conon Doyle.
There are some references to cases from the ACD stories.
Author's note: This fic came about because I was explaining to a friend of mine (
raphe1) that yes, John does get kidnapped in episodes 2 and 3. Episode 1 too, if you count Mycroft. Poor John.The Private Diary of John Watson
by Arnie
Since I published A Study in Pink on my blog, my blog hasn't been private at all. Not that it was private to start off with. I'm pretty sure my therapist was looking at it, and as for Sherlock, to say nothing of Mycroft, well, the idea of 'private' is something that's for other people, not me.
I'm keeping this at my surgery in a locked drawer. If Sherlock finds out about it, he'll think it's fun, to say nothing of right, to break into my office in order to read it. I don't doubt Mycroft would do the same, but he'd let his chauffeur or Anthea do the actual breaking and entering.
So, here it is. My private diary and not to be read by anyone else. At all. Especially not anyone named Holmes.
~~~
Date: 6th April 2010
Quite an exciting day, really. I got kidnapped by Moriarty who promptly strapped a bomb to me. Fortunately for me, Sherlock had more than one plan on hand and we escaped. I'll have to write that up for my blog, which Sherlock will, no doubt, criticise at length.
He also made some pointed comments about my having been kidnapped again. I don't get kidnapped that often. Anyway, you can't count my first encounter with Mycroft as an actual kidnapping as he let me go, and the Tong only kidnapped me because they thought I was Sherlock. Not my fault at all.
Also, Sherlock's insane if he thinks I'm going to refer to that incident as the 'skewering Sarah' part of the case. First of all, she knows how to hide a body, and secondly, I'd like to get laid some time this century.
~~~
Date: 14th April 2010
Found a leg in the fridge today. Human, naturally. I think we need a bigger fridge.
~~~
Date: 15th April 2010
Lestrade phoning Sherlock. He's just looking smug. God knows what he's been up to this time.
~~~
Date: 16th April 2010
Lestrade raided the flat again. Anderson very interested in the leg in the fridge. I told him to take it with him. Sherlock not impressed.
~~~
Date: 21st April 2010
Got kidnapped again today. All a total misunderstanding. Went to Tesco to do some shopping, got into a disagreement over the fish counter, and ended up face first in a pile of haddock. Security escorted us both out and the bloke had another go at me in the car park. One thing led to another and I knocked myself out on a concrete bollard. I came round in the boot of his car, just before he got to the reservoir where he planned on dumping my body. Hell of a shock for him as he thought I was dead. I gave him a huge lecture - people have to drink that water, after all. He apologised and gave me a lift back to the local Asda. I got the shopping from there and caught a taxi back to here so I could clean the smell of fish off my face. At least Sherlock won't know about this one.
~~~
Date: 22nd April 2010
Sherlock found out about the fish incident and kidnapping. He said he could tell by the jammy dodgers I bought and if I bought them again could I avoid the trip to the reservoir? Damn.
~~~
Date: 25th April 2010
Got kidnapped again today. Naturally, it wasn't my fault - they thought I was Sherlock. Do I look like Sherlock Holmes?! Sherlock said it gave him time to solve the case. So glad it came in handy. Not.
~~~
Date: 30th April 2010
Lestrade raided the flat again. Sherlock told him to just move in and save the hassle, but he'll have to share my room.
~~~
Date: 3rd May 2010
Almost got kidnapped outside 221B today. Sherlock critiqued my fighting style from the upstairs window. Fortunately, Mrs. Hudson was baking rock cakes at the time and she came out with her rolling pin. One kidnapper ran off, but I had to take the other to hospital with a concussion.
Note: Don't annoy Mrs. H. when she's baking.
~~~
Date: 5th May 2010
We investigated the Mrs. Gibson murder. Well, I say 'we', but I mean 'Sherlock'. Fortunately for Gibson and his mistress, it turned out to be suicide. I didn't get kidnapped!
~~~
Date: 10th May 2010
Had a date with Sarah. It was interrupted when she got kidnapped. At least it wasn't me! I'm a grown man, a trained soldier, but people can kidnap me at the drop of a hat. It's embarrassing. Sarah was none too pleased when we got her back, but I told her to be grateful - at least no one thinks she's Sherlock Holmes.
~~~
Date: 14th May 2010
Off to Harrow to visit Mrs. Maberley. Sherlock very interested in why people want to buy her house.
~~~
Date: 19th May 2010
Today was a bit embarrassing. I thought I was about to be kidnapped by two little old ladies (after all, they might have been in disguise), but it turned out they just wanted me to help them across the road. Sherlock's been making so-called witty comments about Granny Ninjas. Bastard.
~~~
Date: 20th May 2010
Found out Sherlock contacted the Oxford English Dictionary people to tell them to change 'kidnap' to 'Johnnap'. I told him he wasn't funny.
~~~
Date: 23rd May 2010
Reading up Doctors Without Borders today. Might get kidnapped less if I'm in another country. Net book shut down and wouldn't restart. I suspect Sherlock had something to do with it.
~~~
Date: 28th May 2010
Granny Ninjas were kidnappers, though not actual Ninjas (thank God). Sherlock had to rescue me from the Marylebone Women's Institute. He attempted to ransom me back with a packet of McVities Hobnobs, but they insisted Sherlock had to investigate the mystery of Mrs. Thorpe's broken dentures. He uncovered a Mafia plot to take over the local bingo halls and use them for gun-running. At least we got to keep the Hobnobs.
~~~
Date: 6th June 2010
There was a fight in the waiting room today. As it turned out, there were three rival gang members planning on kidnapping me during their patient appointments. When they realised they weren't the only ones planning on kidnapping me, they started a punch up - winner takes all (all being me). We threw them out, but the winner came back during evening surgery and tried to knock me out with my reflex hammer. Am not impressed.
Sarah was far too happy about the whole thing. I knew she hadn't forgiven me for the other week.
~~~
Date: 7th June 2010
Have realised I've started to think of my days as 'kidnapped' and 'not kidnapped'. I may need psychiatric help.
~~~
Date: 14th June 2010
Kidnapped again today, by Sherlock of all people. He said he's trying to work out what the attraction is in kidnapping me. I said I didn't get kidnapped before I moved in with him, but he dismissed it as pure coincidence. We spent three hours driving around in a rented car with Sherlock asking me questions. I have no idea what he expected to learn; I don't know why people keep on kidnapping me.
~~~
Date: 22nd June 2010
I met up with Harry for lunch today. We got kidnapped. Harry wasn't pleased but I told her it's my fifteenth kidnapping in six months, so she could count herself lucky. She started talking about Stockholm Syndrome and recommending a good psychiatrist. I wanted to wait for Sherlock to rescue us, but she insisted on escaping. Oh well, I did have to get back to work.
~~~
Date: 29th June 2010
Ha! I'm vindicated! Sherlock got kidnapped today. Lestrade and I got him back. He spent the evening sulking. I told him to look on it as a learning experience, and maybe he'd sympathise with me next time.
~~~
Date: 30th June 2010
Sherlock still not talking to me.
~~~
Date: 1st July 2010
Sherlock still not talking to me. Mycroft keeps on texting me though. Lots of capitals and exclamation marks.
~~~
Date: 7th July 2010
Damn, kidnapped again. Sherlock extremely jubilant when he rescued me. Said something about 'natural order'. I don't understand him half the time.
~~~
Date: 12th July 2010
Off to Croydon to investigate a parcel with severed ears. I stayed in the taxi in case of kidnappers and the cabbie kidnapped me. I can't win!
~~~
Date: 18th July 2010
Kidnapped again. This time by a team of Russian athletes. They said Mycroft's had 'Kidnapping John Watson' recognised as an international sport. I tried to tell them it was a joke (note: not convinced he has a sense of humour) but they didn't believe me. Turned out to be true. Mycroft said it'll be very civilised - no more than twice a week and only for two hours each time, but I told him to get stuffed. I'm off to Afghanistan as it's a hell of a lot quieter over there.
~~~
Date: 21st July 2010
Sherlock coming with me to Afghanistan. Not sure a different country will solve the problem. May have to think this one over.
The End.
Hope you liked it. Please let me know if you spotted any mistakes.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-26 06:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:45 pm (UTC)Thanks. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. :oD
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-26 06:49 pm (UTC)Hee! I loved it... especially Have realised I've started to think of my days as 'kidnapped' and 'not kidnapped'.
Wonderful! (And lovely to see you writing again ♥)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:47 pm (UTC)::hugs:: I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-26 09:24 pm (UTC)Date: 14th April 2010
Found a leg in the fridge today. Human, naturally. I think we need a bigger fridge.
LOL! Love the idea of kidnapping being an Olympic sport - not sure Afghanistan is ready for these two!
Brilliantly cracked! :D
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:53 pm (UTC)And yeah, poor John! 3 kidnappings in 3 episodes is *not* good!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-26 09:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 01:08 am (UTC)*loled and loved*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:55 pm (UTC)Thanks. I'm really glad you liked it. :oD
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 02:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:56 pm (UTC)Your icon is incredibly cute!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 04:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 05:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:58 pm (UTC)Thanks for commenting.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 10:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 03:58 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for commenting! :oD
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-27 07:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-29 10:02 pm (UTC)LOL! I didn't think of that. "Sorry, Sarah, I can't be in work today; I'm getting kidnapped again. No, Thursday's out too...same reason..."
Thanks, Debris. I'm glad you liked it. :oD
Brilliant!
Date: 2011-10-27 07:16 pm (UTC)Re: Brilliant!
Date: 2011-10-29 10:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-28 02:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-29 10:03 pm (UTC)And thanks. &hearts
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-28 03:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-29 10:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-29 08:53 pm (UTC)and tried to knock me out with my reflex hammer *cackles hysterically with tears streaming down face* MORE MORE MORE. This is amazing.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-29 10:05 pm (UTC)Thanks for commenting. :oD
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-04 10:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-06 04:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-04 11:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-06 04:53 pm (UTC)Thanks for commenting!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-05 04:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-06 04:54 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and commenting. :oD
(no subject)
Date: 2012-06-14 08:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-06-15 02:51 pm (UTC)