Toxic relatives

[dimity_blue]

To the brave kid who broke up with their toxic mom.

I knew someone who'd cut off her abusive parents. She said people were usually astonished and disapproving. "They're your parents!"

I find it sad that people can bury their heads in the sand and think that being a parent - or a relative of any description** - excuses abuse. That just because your abuser shares DNA with you, it means you can't protect yourself by cutting them off.

I'm not talking about parents who were less than perfect. I'm talking about parents who were actively harmful to their child. Sometimes, the relationship improves when the child becomes an adult. But is that because the parent sees the error of their ways or because the child is no longer completely powerless?

If you don't know what it means to have an abusive relative, be glad. If you know someone who's cut a relative out of their life, do them a favour and don't judge them.

**It's okay to cut toxic adult children out of your life too. No one should accept abuse and ill treatment, regardless of the relationship.

Comments

[stargatesg1971.livejournal.com]

Personally, I congratulate anyone for getting out of an abusive relationship. It shouldn't matter who's the abuser. Nobody should have to live their lives in fear from physical or emotional abuse.

[dimity-blue.livejournal.com]

I agree. It's surprising how many people will argue "it wasn't that bad" when they weren't there and couldn't possibly know.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've seen comments like that too. I think people fail to keep in mind that not all families are close, and not all rifts are because of stupid things - even if it seems that way on the surface.

People also need to realize how hard it is to work your way out of toxic relationships. I've known people who were, if not abused, certainly in bad situations, and there's a certain level of rewiring involved. It's hard enough with a significant other, but when it's your parents, that's all you know. For all of us, really, but there's still a difference, which I don't think people who guilt trip understand. Yes, we all have things that drive us crazy about our family members, but we don't really suffer for it. There's people who suffer for it. I hate to think of someone who's finally gotten to the point where they realize something's not healthy, only to be told they're horrible people for realizing it.

[dimity-blue.livejournal.com]

not all rifts are because of stupid things - even if it seems that way on the surface.

Frequently, that 'stupid thing' is part of a pattern of behaviour, basically the straw that broke the camel's back.

[catzslave.livejournal.com]

I think it's such a mind twist that when I stayed in a toxic situation, I was criticized for staying. Then when I left I was criticized for allowing it to happen, then again for not "making up". Those people who were quick to criticize are toxic themselves.

My daughter never criticized. She took me out for tea and crepes to celebrate. When I dated someone new instead of "making up" all she said was "I'm so relieved."

[snailbones.livejournal.com]

My lovely mate had to walk away from her abusive daughter after 15 years of trying to love the kid. She still feels guilty seven years on, which is quite bad enough, but people - even close friends and family members - still blame her. She doesn't need blame, she needs love, support and understanding. As you say - don't judge. It won't put anything right.

[dimity-blue.livejournal.com]

I think it's even more unheard of for people to cut off one of their own children. But it's perfectly possible for adult children to be abusive to their own parents. :o(

Someone I sort of know on a messageboard was in the same situation. She divorced her abusive husband but he'd persuaded their teenage son to take his side. She ended up having to cut her son off to protect herself.

[catzslave.livejournal.com]

I've cut off from toxic parents, a toxic ex husband and a toxic child. It took a while to set wrap my head around the concept of letting go of things that are bad for me but have tags like "family" or "loved ones". Unconditional love is an evil manipulative b*tch.

I'm happier for having put myself out of range.

[dimity-blue.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, puting yourself out of range is all you can do. :o(