Chain emails
Aug. 20th, 2005 06:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dimity_blueI love humour. Seriously, I think it's one of the best things in the world. So I really, really hate it when someone (not on LJ!) sends me an email that TELLS me that I'm not human if I don't laugh at ___ (fill in the blank).
Humour's subjective. Some people adore slapstick, some don't. Some prefer visual jokes and some prefer wit. Everyone is different (which explains why some comedians are still getting work when I think they should be taken out back and politely told to get another job - pronto).
However, I do not and will not assume that someone doesn't have a sense of humour if their sense of humour differs from mine - so I take exception to someone doing that very thing to me.
Or maybe I just don't have a sense of humour and I'm in denial.
Anyway, here's the email in question - with all the identifying addresses removed in order to protect the truly hilarious.
~~~
You're just not human if you don't laugh at some of these:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
~~~
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
~~~
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
~~~
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
~~~
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
~~~
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
~~~
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
~~~
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
~~~
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
~~~
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
~~~
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
~~~
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
~~~
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
~~~
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
~~~
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
~~~
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too
~~~
Guy walks into a bar. Notices that up the back, there's all these people jumping up, trying to bite at what looks like large slabs of meat. The guy's a bit perturbed -- naturally -- and goes to talk to the barman.
"Hey mate, pint please... and what's the deal with the hanging meat?"
"Ah, that. It's our competition -- pay a fiver, and if you can take a bite out of one of those big slabs, you get a free slap-up meal, and all your drinks for the night are on the house."
"That sounds like a good deal! You mustn't make too much of an earning on that."
"Oh, you'd be surprised. Although a few of those guys've won already. So what, do you want a go? It's only a fiver."
"Nah, not for me mate. The steaks are too high."
~~~
A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'"
"No," the guy says. "My farts do."
So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside.
After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."
The guy says, "Why a dentist?"
The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth."
The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?"
The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"
~~~
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
~~~
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
~~~
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
~~~
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
~~~
A college Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
~~~
That's it. So, are you guys rolling around on the floor, convulsed with merriment and wondering exactly what my problem is?
Humour's subjective. Some people adore slapstick, some don't. Some prefer visual jokes and some prefer wit. Everyone is different (which explains why some comedians are still getting work when I think they should be taken out back and politely told to get another job - pronto).
However, I do not and will not assume that someone doesn't have a sense of humour if their sense of humour differs from mine - so I take exception to someone doing that very thing to me.
Or maybe I just don't have a sense of humour and I'm in denial.
Anyway, here's the email in question - with all the identifying addresses removed in order to protect the truly hilarious.
~~~
You're just not human if you don't laugh at some of these:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
~~~
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
~~~
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
~~~
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
~~~
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
~~~
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
~~~
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
~~~
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
~~~
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
~~~
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
~~~
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
~~~
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
~~~
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
~~~
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
~~~
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
~~~
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too
~~~
Guy walks into a bar. Notices that up the back, there's all these people jumping up, trying to bite at what looks like large slabs of meat. The guy's a bit perturbed -- naturally -- and goes to talk to the barman.
"Hey mate, pint please... and what's the deal with the hanging meat?"
"Ah, that. It's our competition -- pay a fiver, and if you can take a bite out of one of those big slabs, you get a free slap-up meal, and all your drinks for the night are on the house."
"That sounds like a good deal! You mustn't make too much of an earning on that."
"Oh, you'd be surprised. Although a few of those guys've won already. So what, do you want a go? It's only a fiver."
"Nah, not for me mate. The steaks are too high."
~~~
A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'"
"No," the guy says. "My farts do."
So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside.
After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."
The guy says, "Why a dentist?"
The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth."
The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?"
The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"
~~~
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
~~~
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
~~~
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
~~~
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
~~~
A college Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
~~~
That's it. So, are you guys rolling around on the floor, convulsed with merriment and wondering exactly what my problem is?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-21 02:36 pm (UTC)However, these "jokes" are very like the ones
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-22 06:56 pm (UTC)And the way they're told can have a big effect on it too - although really, nothing can redeem these jokes. Have you thought of buying Azaxyr a joke book? Either that or hitting him with one? It might help. ;o)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-25 04:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-22 01:24 pm (UTC)I have to be in the mood for puns like these. I usually don't find them funny and respond with an obviously fake laugh.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-22 06:58 pm (UTC)